dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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