Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
