K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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