If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
