Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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