spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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