my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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