Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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