Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
