You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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