woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
