I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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