Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
