i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
