it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
