now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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