The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
