I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
