I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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