Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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