ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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