my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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