I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
