It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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