I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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