Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
