I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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