She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
