sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
