I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
