did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
