It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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