Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
