Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
