Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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