i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
NoShamevember. You game?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
