They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
