mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
