I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
