i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
