Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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