mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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