he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
