now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
