Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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