He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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