you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
