he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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