I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
