I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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