I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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