Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
