dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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