My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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