im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
