checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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