it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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