Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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