if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
