Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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