Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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