You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
