Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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