just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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