i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
